I wanted to be a blogger. Do this everyday, faithfully. Help someone, be there for someone, I know the struggles! So far I felt like I haven’t done a very good job. I’m not sure what I last posted. No, I didn’t go back to check. I wanted to write. I do know a lot has happened in my life since my last post. I have become more self aware, more stable in my mental health and my faith has been completely renewed. The road is long, winding and rough. But we can all make it!! We have to want it and keep at it! For too long I let my mental illness run my life. No way! Not any more! Sure there are days I want to rip my hair out, but I don’t. I’m grateful for small blessings and the friends I have to support me. I have met so many amazing people over the last year. I’ve been inspired, tried, loved, trusted. I’ve cut down on meds and therapy. A good sign of much hard work and progress! I have made my faith a part of my life. I feel like God has had such a positive impact on my life. I get it, it’s not for everyone. Heck, I used to think, pffft! He is so not real and is not going to help me!! Then I realized he has been helping me all along. I have done the work. I have committed myself to a healthier lifestyle. No more negativity, hopelessness, depression. I want to be free from it all the time!! I can and I will. We just have to be strong, know that there is better out there than we give ourselves. I wanted a way out and I was lucky enough to find it. Sure relapse is always an option, but I remain optimistic! I have to. I’ve let too much of my life slip away already. So if you are reading this, know you can do it! You are strong enough, loved enough and wanted enough.
Isn’t that what they all say?? It takes time. Well, who has it! I’m tired of waiting. I’m standing here, with my pouty little girl face, stomping my feet. Why, why, why?? Stop this madness before I lose my mind yet again. But once I release this negative energy and go back to my drawing board, something has changed. Time has passed and I feel better. I can stop stomping my feet and acting like a 40-something year old child. It’s ok. You passed, it’s almost time for your big break. Just keep going, keep moving forward. It can only get better from here. Right??!! That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Do I really believe it, today, yes I do. I have to because I need change, I need positives, I need to feel alive, I need to be myself and not let anything or one change that. I can do it, I know I can!! Keep going, keep moving forward. I feel the weight of the world, but now it’s lifting, letting me free. Free from burden, free from pain. I am who I am and who I want to be.
Is all I have to remind me of you. Remembering the days of hugs, days of school, dinners, birthdays, vacations, the beach, family and love. I feel so uncertain of when we’ll be together again. It pains me so much. A dagger that cuts so deep. I want to be your best friend, someone you laugh with and share your stories with. I fear we will never have that. The lost girl haunts me all the time. I miss her. I want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, telling me to be a better mother!!
Here is my story about a girl I have lost. Not physically but emotionally. She has been a part of my life for a long time. She let me go and there was nothing I could do about it. She is grown now, a woman, living the life I think she wants. I always thought we would be close, there are some things I’ve done in the past. Things I’m not proud of that may have contributed to her great dislike for me. When I met her Dad I was very needy. Not realizing this little girl needed him too. I was selfish and wish I could go back in time. Fix my mistakes, prove to her how much I love her and never treated her any different than my own. As she prepares for her next big trip, for school, I find myself sad that she’ll be gone for months. Communication is usually very limited. But I will hope and pray that she does well on this next endeavor. She deserves the world and all it has to offer! She will always be my little girl and I will always be here waiting for her.
Did you hear what I said?
Did you hear what I whispered in your ear at night?
Did you hear the ache in my heart?
Did you hear the torture of my head?
Did you hear my silent cries?
Do you wonder how it feels?
I pray you never, ever feel this way……
I no longer want to feel pain
I no longer want to ache with guilt
I no longer want to feel depressed
I no longer want to feel the stigma
I no longer want to feel sad
I no longer want to be a door mat
I no longer want to be me
I no longer want to feel this sickness
I no longer want to be a pill
I no longer want to explain
I no longer want to live under your grip
I no longer want to live this lie
Some time has passed. We are finally through the nasty New England weather. Sun shine, blue skies….I love it! I have made a lot of progress over the last couple of months. Healing has finally begun. Things are just so much clearer to me now. I want to share this with all that have hope, need hope and can move forward. I guess I just realized a lot over the past 6 months, year. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the past! Most important, it’s not my fault! I didn’t choose some of the things that are a part of my childhood. Things I did and chose to do, I need to move on from. I have to stop holding on to things that do not define me. To find happiness in the now and appreciate what I have. I have two kids who depend on me and I need to be the best Mom I can be.