Archive | January, 2014

A Death and a Blizzard

12 Jan

When a person passes away, it’s always a sensitive situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s an acquaintance, a close friend or a family member. It always seems to be the hardest thing in the moment, in the world! Sometimes you cry, sometimes you just feel nothing, sometimes you just want to grab the family members and make all the pain go away. It’s very difficult any way you look at. It’s like you have temporary amnesia, don’t know what to feel, how to feel, what to think. You feel like the death is happening to you. You almost want to take the deceased place so everything will be ok. So the pain and sadness will be lifted. But, you know there is just nothing you can do to make it better, just be there for the family. Wow! I don’t think I have ever expressed my feelings on death like that before. I feel like something has lifted.

Ok, so Blizzards. This will make sense shortly(keep reading). I’ve lived in New England my entire life(sorry, I’m not going to share how long that is). I hate, hate, hate New England. I thought I was going to be somewhere different by now. But it’s ok, for now. I’m not sure that anything is really keeping us here. Maybe my Husband’s parents. I unfortunately had to turn away from my family. That’s all I’m going to say about that. So, I HATE snow! It’s my worse nightmare! I’m a summer girl all the way. I love to be at the beach. Well, let me get to the point, if there is even one.

So, on Christmas, a family member by marriage suffered a heart attack or a blood clot. I never really found out what exactly happened. I got the chance to see him at the hospital before he passed. He was hooked up to all types of machines. He had said to his wife he never wanted to live that way. So the difficult decision to shut off the machines had come. I was so glad that I had gotten the chance to pray and make peace with him. The wake would be on New Year’s Day and the funeral would be the following day. I felt that I did ok at the wake. I may have teared up a couple of times. It was the funeral that was really hard. Ah, I forgot to mention, this is where the blizzard comes in. When we got up and got ready for the day, it was snowing like crazy and windy. It was so cold. Not that any day is good for a funeral, but this day couldn’t have been worse. We were expecting a blizzard over the next couple of days. It actually turned out not to be so bad. That’s New England for you! Funerals, ah….the toughest thing to go through. They make you so emotional. It’s the readings, the special things shared by family members, the prayers. Watching a coffin leaving a church is so gut wrenching. You just want to scream no!! Like it’s your last chance before they are gone forever. At the grave site, it becomes real and you just know, realistically, it’s time.

Happy 2014!

1 Jan

My wish for everyone is an amazing new year. 2013 was a really difficult year for many, maybe not for others. There have just been so many horrible things that have happened. Then you have your small miracles and amazing things. Even though far and few between. There’s love, there’s loss. Laughter and grace. Faith and hope. Small and big. Times of trial, times of complete joy.

I would have to say a major portion of 2013 was not so good for me. Mental illness has consumed my life. I have to put me aside so I can live my(what I call) normal life. I have a house I can’t keep up with, a husband I can’t please, kids I do everything for. If my kids are taken care of then everything else can go to the wayside. They are the most important thing to me! I don’t want them to live any part of the childhood I had and I know they won’t.

I know I still have a long road to walk along and I will keep going. Even if it kills me. I just want to enjoy life and be able to let things go. I have the tools and know what I need to do. I just have to set forth.