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Keep it together

22 Oct

How many times must I walk this road?
How long am I supposed to keep it all inside?
The pain is unbearable, but still I push forward.
When are things going to change?
When will it be better? (It = me).
Why was I chosen to bear so much burden?
To end up alone and sick….
My frustrations fall on deaf ears.
I just don’t know how much I can take…

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

11 Aug

As the days go by, I feel increasingly worse. I’m trying so had not to let this depression consume me. But I’m afraid right now it is!! There’s not much I can do about it. I’m very alone and don’t really have anyone to talk to that understands. Or just even to listen. Life has become one big chore. I’m overwhelmed with the things I have to accomplish this week. I leave next Saturday for vacation and I am extremely stressed out!! I’m just hoping to climb out of this hole and enjoying my vacation……

HERE

4 Jul

I am here. Maybe not in body. Maybe not in mind. But I am here. I am existing on what little I have to go on(which isn’t much). I try and I try but I just can’t make it better. I feel so alone, in a house full of people. None of which understand my demise. ‘Keep smiling, that’s all they want to see!’ Hushed under tones and mutterings. I know they talk, but this is me!! Why can’t anyone understand?! I am here. Just a regular person trying to live her life the best way she can! Stop the chatter and look at me! I am here where you want me to be….

I am….

26 Jun

I am….
Beautiful
I am….
Struggling
I am….
Alone
I am….
Happy
I am….
Sad
I am….
Special
I am….
Right
I am….
Rarely wrong
I am….
Strong
I am….
Weak
I am….
Depressed
I am….
Anxious
I am….
In pain
I am….
Hopeful
I am….
Stressed
I am….
Calm
I am….
Sane
I am….
In control
I am….
Falling apart
I am….
Invisible
I am….
Present
I am….
Grounded
I am….
Lost
I am….
Fine
I am….
Great
I am….
Selfish
I am….
Giving
I am….
Tired
I am….
Lonely
I am….
Always missing someone
I am….
Empowered
I am….
Organized
I am….
A mess
I am….
Broken
I am….
Here to stay, for today

MEDS….

18 May

Ok, so I am bipolar and am on a lot of meds. Oh my God, did I just say that? I hate meds! I was ready to take myself off of them last week. I was slowly weaning myself off a couple of them. Not a good idea! I quickly realized how things can change. I’m just so tired of all of it! The doctors, the highs, the lows. I really had to look deep down inside and just know everything would be ok. I’m better than all of this stuff! I can be happy if I want and enjoy life! I can’t keep going backwards, only forward! Nobody said life was going to be easy but I would just like a break once on a while….

Just a thought….

14 Mar

So, I was prompted to some thoughts today. They have crossed my mind in the past but I don’t think I wanted to be real with them. Then, today I read a blog within a blog(if that makes sense?). Both of them had to do with being bipolar and keeping it under wraps. I hate the stigma surrounded around mental illness. I’ve always been the type of person to say, I am who I am, I’m not going to change for anybody! Where I am going with this, is I had a conversation with a friend and neighbor a couple of months ago. She had said something to the fact of keeping certain things to myself, especially in certain situations. I just kind of blew it off. Now I get it. I feel so isolated and I think I know why now. It’s so sad! People are mean, selfish, stupid, uneducated, small minded ‘jerks'(my son’s choice word for mean people). I’ve done a lot of thinking today. I’ve come to realize I am good with the way things are. I’m not pretending for anyone! I’m not phony, never have been. I’m not going to start now. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then they don’t deserve to be a part of your life! Well, a latte is waiting for me and a Celtics game to finish!! Keep your chin up, do what you feel is right and don’t change for anyone!! You’re beautiful just the way you are!!

How did I get here?

1 Nov

Well, I guess my title kind of says where I’m going with this. I’ve been on a very long journey. From childhood to adulthood, nothing has been easy. Instead of focusing on my nasty childhood and past, I’m trying to focus on the present. I’m blessed with a very supportive Husband and three amazing kids. I’m not sure what I would do without them! They have brought me to where I am today and have made me realize how important life truly is. Mental illness is not a choice. Why some of us are chosen, I’m not sure. Is it a chemical imbalance or something inherited? Professional help is key, as well as a good support system. It’s hard and I think that less of a stigma is around it. Not to say we aren’t still stigmatized in ways. But we all have a chance to stand up and speak to what we believe in. We don’t have to become the disease! We can learn to live with it. Again, professional help and a support system is so important!! Sure, your first appointment or discussion with someone you trust is tough. But once you get past that, you will be good! You’ll be relieved. It feels good to get these thoughts out of your head. Sure, there are always set backs, but you will be stronger. You will be able to handle it. Just keep going! You only get one life to live, so live it!