A Turn Around

8 Aug

Some time has passed. We are finally through the nasty New England weather. Sun shine, blue skies….I love it!  I have made a lot of progress over the last couple of months. Healing has finally begun. Things are just so much clearer to me now. I want to share this with all that have hope, need hope and can move forward. I guess I just realized a lot over the past 6 months, year. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the past!  Most important, it’s not my fault!  I didn’t choose some of the things that are a part of my childhood. Things I did and chose to do, I need to move on from. I have to stop holding on to things that do not define me. To find happiness in the now and appreciate what I have. I have two kids who depend on me and I need to be the best Mom I can be. 

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When is it ok?

2 Feb

I’ve always tried my best to be a strong advocate for mental illness, for myself and others. But I find that it bites me in the biscuits every time. I have become a bit of a recluse. It’s easier than dealing with the pain of rejection. I’ve lost a lot of friends and feel that people look at me differently. What are they really afraid of? Can they catch it? Will I flip out and go nuts? Or do they just not want to be associated with someone who is suffering from mental illness? They don’t understand. It makes me sad and I feel very lonely. There really isn’t a way to make people understand. It’s just unfortunate when people that you were close to don’t even talk to you. It really makes things worse for us. How are we supposed to spread awareness? How are we supposed to stop the stigma? I can’t give up. I will fight on the best I can. I am who I am and nothing can change that. I want others to know its ok to have a mental illness, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Lead Apron

30 Nov

Everything seems like such an effort these days. I feel like I have a lead apron draped over me. You know, those ones they put on you before an X-ray. Eating, showering, going to the gas station, groceries shopping, taking my meds. It’s all so exhausting. I’m overwhelmed and I really don’t know what to do. So I sit here, midnight(est), ‘smoking’ my vapor cig and wondering if I should just go to bed….I’m tired, but not really. I don’t want the dreams tonight. The fear, anxiety, the ‘what’s happening moments’. I need my frickin’ mind to slow the hell down!! Ugh!!

Because

13 Oct

Because of my illness, I hate myself most of the time. Because of my illness, I’m no longer myself. Because of my illness, I do things differently. Because of my illness, life has a different meaning. Because of my illness, people look away. Because of my illness, I can’t get out of bed. Because of my illness, I’m always sad. Because of my illness, I miss the old me. Because of my illness, I can’t stand to be here. Because of my illness, I will continue to struggle. Because of my illness, I will always question everything. Because of my illness, my heart will always ache. Because of my illness, I just don’t know anymore. Because of my illness, I don’t know what will become of me. Because of my illness, a lot has been ruined. Because of my illness, I pray that it will be okay. Because of my illness, I pray I’ll make it through another day. Because of my illness, I will daydream of a life free of depression. Is that ever going to be possible?

What?!

9 Sep

What is wrong with people? Let me explain. I got into this lovely text war with a former friend today. Her and I used to be really good friends. She was one of the only people who stuck by me after I went to the hospital. We are talking about 4 years ago now. I confided so much to her. I felt like she was all I had. Then there was this day we got into a disagreement. Things were never the same after that. She and her family moved out of state a little over a year ago. She visited this summer and I never heard from her. Which was ok. She called, we had a 10-15 conversation about a week ago. Today this conversation would come back to bite me in the a**. Of all weeks, it’s the Anniversary for a very tragic event in my life that happened 7 years ago. So the last few days have been really difficult. But I’ve been managing. Then this happened today. I was called a liar, a cheat. Two things I am not. I really didn’t know how I felt for most of the day. At first I was really upset then I got angry and just numb to it. I was lucky to be with a good friend at this time who was there to support me. It just goes to show you, you really can’t trust anyone!! It’s so unfortunate that people like her prey on the mentally ill for their own gain. She is a bully and I will no longer take part of any communication with her. I literally have one friend who has the same diagnosis as me and there are things I haven’t even told her in fear of where it could lead. No family, no friends….makes for a lonely life. But I have my husband and kids, for them, I am grateful!!

j

I wanna be Super Girl

23 Aug

I want to remove your tears when you are sad

I want to let you know it will all be ok

I want to tell you to keep your chin up even when you feel hopeless

I want to love you like no other

I want you to love me back

I want nothing but the best for you

I want you to feel warmth and love in times of struggle

I want you to be what you want to be

I want you to remember those who were actually there for you

I want to be your Super Girl, the one who is there for you at all times

I’m human too, you know

29 Jul

Please don’t treat me like a piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe

Please don’t yell at me, it hurts my ears

Please don’t walk by me when you see me in distress

Please don’t laugh at me if I’ve made a mistake

Please do not say words to me that are hurtful

Please don’t go around spreading lies about me

Please don’t pretend like I’m not even here….

I am human, I bleed like everyone else